


losing control

by mukeandziamgotmelike



Series: captainy shenanigans [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crying, Fights, Gen, Making Up, Medication, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Attacks, daishou hates futakuchi, daishou is rich, its kinda funny really, kuroshou are friends again uwu, like a lot, mentioned breakup w terushou
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-09 18:38:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19892488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mukeandziamgotmelike/pseuds/mukeandziamgotmelike
Summary: “Your captain texted me,” Kaname says when Suguru walks into their dorm. “Quit keeping yourself awake. It’s a wonder you’re still passing your classes.”^^^Daishou isn't taking care of himself. Moniwa is worried.





	losing control

**Author's Note:**

> sksksk i started writing this in literally 2016 and just finished it tOdAy im -
> 
> i started writing this bc i saw a post on tumblr saying how daishou wasn't a nice person but that's what made him a good well-rounded character and im like uh yeah!!! true!!! so i decided to write about this best boi characterrrr. also i wanted to finally resolve daishou and kuroo's discourse and also give them a little backstory!!!
> 
> in this fic daishou has ocd. i did some research on it and tried to write it the most realistic i could, but please let me know if i got anything wrong!!
> 
> title is shit but i hope you enjoy this!!

_ One more. _

“Daishou-kun, I’m leaving. You’re gonna have to lock up the gym!”

_ One more. _

“Don’t stay too late again, alright?”

_ It needs to be better. You can do  _ better.

“Hey, Daishou.”

_ One more one more one more one - _

“Suguru.”

Suguru is wrenched out of his thoughts as the ball lands on the other side of the net, then turns to his new captain. 

“You look awful. Are you sleeping for long enough?” Akamatsu asks. Suguru doesn’t answer, instead picking up another volleyball. Akamatsu Hiroki was an amazing captain, no doubt about that; he was in his third year at Suguru’s university and was compassionate and responsible. Suguru was grateful for him, really - it had been a while since he had to experience being a first-year and the guys on his university’s volleyball team were making it easier to make that transition.

It also helped to have Kaname, but that was a given.

“I’ve been sleeping just fine, Akamatsu-san.” That was a lie. He hadn’t gotten a full night of sleep in weeks, but how could he? Between his classes, volleyball practices, and his obsessive-compulsive disorder making an appearance every time he so much as tried to rest his eyes, there was really no way he could. 

His captain raises an eyebrow. “You look awful,” he repeats. Suguru laughs. “That’s really rude of you to say, senpai,” he starts, “besides, I’m just working on my serves a little. Is there any harm in that?” Akamatsu sighs. “If it’s jeopardizing your well being? Then, yeah, there’s something wrong with it,” he says. “Give me this -” he takes the volleyball from Suguru’s hands - “go back to your dorm. I’ll clean up the gym.” 

Suguru’s smile falls. “Akamatsu-san, I’m fine. I  _ promise.  _ Just one more -”

“Go to your dorm, Suguru.”

As stubborn and headstrong as Suguru is, he would never disobey his upperclassman, so he walks reluctantly to the locker room to get his things. 

^^^

“Your captain texted me,” Kaname says when Suguru walks into their dorm. “Quit keeping yourself awake. It’s a wonder you’re still passing your classes.”

Oh, how wrong Suguru’s first impression of Kaname was. It was true that he was nice, overly so more often than not, but he  _ did  _ somehow have everyone at Datekou wrapped around his finger (including that asshole Futakuchi), and you didn’t accomplish that by being  _ nice.  _

Suguru sighs, straightening the books on his shelf. “You don’t have to be such a mom. I’m allowed to make my own decisions, aren’t I?” 

“You’ve had bags under your eyes for the past couple weeks; I care about you and I’m just supposed to ignore that?” Kaname asks. Suguru knows that he’s standing behind him, his arms crossed over his chest despite the fact that he’s terrified. Suguru knows that Kaname hates all types of confrontation, and even as close as they were, Kaname had a hard time approaching him about things. 

“Listen,” Suguru starts, “I’m  _ fine.  _ You can stop worrying about me! I’m not one of your fucking underclassmen, I can take care of myself and I’m free to make my own decisions. Just get off my back, okay?”

He hears Kaname take a deep intake of breath, and immediately feels remorse. He had never been the best at controlling the things he said, and even he could admit to himself that he wasn’t the nicest person. Especially when he wasn’t thinking, especially when he wasn’t feeling his best.

“Name-chan, I’m sorry,” he says, turning around. Kaname just shrugs, looking away. “You’re right. You know more about yourself than I do. Do whatever you want, just make sure you don’t get hurt,” he whispers, his voice slightly shaky. He turns to leave, putting his hand on the doorknob to his room. “I’ve gotta… call Takanobu,” he whispers, retreating into his room and locking the door. 

Suguru feels the tears of frustration burning at the back of his eyes. He usually didn’t cry; that wasn’t something he did often. He didn’t cry when he was sad or happy, he cried when he was frustrated or relieved or stressed out. He hated the feeling of crying - his bottom lip trembled like he was a little kid again and after he finally got over what was upsetting him, he was exhausted. He hated it, but… 

Kaname hadn’t deserved that.

He finally becomes aware of the tears rolling down his cheeks and walks to his own room, stopping briefly in front of Kaname’s closed door and listening to his soft voice as he talks to his boyfriend on his phone. Great, now he was going to have the entirety of Datekou on his ass for something he hadn’t even meant to do. He couldn’t handle Datekou, even with all the pent up rage he had against Futakuchi. 

In all honesty, he probably deserves anything that weirdly vertically gifted team can throw at him.

Suguru lies on his bed, face down with his head in his pillow. He wants to scream, he wants to break something, he wants to apologize to Kaname and get all his frustrations out, he wants to be able to deal with all this on his own.

Suguru was used to getting whatever he wanted - his doting parents had made sure of that - but this, this feeling of not being in control of anything any more; it was infuriating.

He just wanted it to stop, but he didn’t know how.

^^^

Suguru walks into his and Kaname’s room surprisingly early - it was one of the rare days that he didn’t have practice, and he had only stayed a couple hours after school to work on his project for his sociology course. He had gone to the coffee shop on campus and had bought that weird tea that Kaname liked as a peace offering (why would Kaname even like tea that much? It was fucking leaf water).

“Name-chan, I’m back. I got you tea and I promise I only have a little bit of homework tonight -”

“Precious went out. Something about rowdy engineering majors.”

Suguru stops in his tracks with a loud sigh, putting the drinks down on the counter of the kitchenette and locking the door. 

“What the hell are you doing here, Kuroo?”

Kuroo stretches his arms lazily, like a shithead cat - a fair comparison - and puts his feet up on their couch. “I’ve heard that someone is being a prissy little fucker again. I thought you grew out of that eventually, like how a snake sheds their skin, y’know?”

Suguru scoffs. “At least I haven’t fucking scent marked an apartment that’s not mine!” Kuroo smirks, “oh, honey, it’s how I mark my territory. Can’t have you bringing a strange alpha male in here.” Suguru throws a package of ramen at him. “Oh, I get it. You haven’t gotten laid in a while. That’s why you’re so touchy,” the fucker continues, and Suguru immediately looks for more nutrient artillery that he can use to smoke this bitch out.

“Get your feet off the couch, maybe?” Suguru decides to ask instead, just to stall Kuroo until he can find a knife or something. “Your books are in order alphabetically by title,” Kuroo replies, his eyes trained on their bookcase. “You want the ramen back? I know it’s killing you to see it over here and not in its spot.” Suguru nods, and Kuroo tosses the ramen to him. He catches it without looking up and puts it back in the cabinet with a relieved sigh. 

“You haven’t been taking your meds, have you?”

“Shut up,” Suguru immediately snaps back. Kuroo is scarily observant, and he’s one of the only people who has ever been able to read Suguru. “I know you’re stressed and that you feel like the only way you can get something done is if you’re not on them. That doesn’t help, Suguru. It’s just making everything worse,” Kuroo says; obnoxiously, like he knows he’s right. There’s a part of Suguru - the logical part - that is screaming at him just  _ how _ right Kuroo is. But his more stubborn side won’t give in that easily -  _ especially  _ to his arch-nemesis.

“They make me tired during classes and won’t let me sleep at night, what’s the point of taking them?” Suguru counters. “Because when you’re not on them you have problems with losing control,” Kuroo starts, turning on the couch to face Suguru, “and you really like having control over all possible situations.”

“I don’t do that anymore -” “Let’s see, you’re in college and probably at the top of your class, if my sources are right. You’re on a college volleyball team and have a preset number of drills that you need to do for a  _ specific  _ amount of time which you must complete, then - and only then - can you stop to relax. You have to control your grades so obviously, you spend the majority of your rare free time working on homework…”

Kuroo finally stands up, moving to join Suguru in their kitchenette and leaning against the wall. “And the cherry on top of all of that; you  _ just  _ broke up with your boyfriend, which has left you overcompensating,” he concludes. Suguru doesn’t say anything for a while, because he knows that Kuroo is right about everything. 

“I…” he starts, his voice quiet. 

He bursts into tears. In front of Kuroo. Fuck, he’ll never live this down.

“I - I just want to be able to deal with this, a-and I’m so sorry a-and…” he sobs. Through his tears, he can vaguely see Kuroo’s stupid confident smirk fall. “Daishou…” His eyes are filled with something other than cocky disinterest for once, but the pity is just as infuriating to Suguru. “St-Stop, just get out,” Suguru says, sniffling and trying to hide how much his bottom lip is trembling. “Suguru, you’re crying,” Kuroo points out oh-so-helpfully. 

“No shit, dumbass!” Suguru covers his face, trying his best to wipe away the tears on his cheeks and calm himself down. It’s probably a super depressing sight, downright pathetic, but maybe this is just bad karma for acting like an asshole to Kaname. Breaking down to a sobbing, snotty mess in front of your worst enemy is a pretty decent punishment, Suguru would say. A pummeling from Datekou wouldn’t do any harm, either, he supposes.

“C’mon, Suguru, you know I could never handle it when you cried,” Kuroo says softly, a tone that Suguru hasn’t heard from him in a long time. They had been friends before - before high school, before Kenma, before everything - and this was causing all sorts of fun, deeply repressed memories to come back into his head. 

“I-I don’t know what’s wrong with me. First I yelled at Kaname and now I’m stooping so low as to show emotions in front of  _ you!”  _ His hands start to grip at his hair, pulling it as he shakes his head, trying to hold onto something,  _ anything,  _ he’s losing -

Hands on his wrists pull his hands from his hair, then he’s wrapped in a hug. He feels safe, protected; there’s a hand on his head combing through his hair softly. His heart fills with warmth, he melts into the arms holding him, and some of the stress lifts off of his body. There’s a soft humming in his ear - it’s comforting, and he can feel his heartbeat slow to a less anxiety-inducing rate.

“Tetsu, I can’t - I - I just -” 

“Just stop talking.”

The brutal honesty is comforting in the strangest way, and Suguru finds himself beginning to calm down and feel… normal again.

It feels like ten or twenty minutes later - Suguru isn’t really in a place to distinguish the time right now - when he opens his eyes to see Kuroo with a gentle smile on his face.

“God, you’re still such an ugly crier,” he whispers. Suguru laughs, then sniffles. “And you think that you’re exactly Harry Styles?” Kuroo looks downright offended. “How  _ dare  _ you?” But he’s still wiping the tears off of Suguru’s cheeks gently with a content smile on his face and truthfully, Suguru hasn’t felt this content himself in awhile.

“Remember back in elementary school?” Suguru asks quietly. Kuroo nods, and damn is Suguru prepared for this emotional conversation on the floor of his kitchen. “You always made fun of me when I cried,” he adds, his voice choked up. “‘Cause you did it all the time! You’re like Tooru,” Kuroo defends, a small, teasing smile on his face. “You always did it when you didn’t get what you wanted. Like the time when I wanted Kenma to practice with us and you -” Suguru groans before he can finish. “That was so embarrassing, I still feel bad about that!” Kuroo laughs. “Yeah, you were kinda a brat, not gonna lie.”

“Hey, Tetsu…” Suguru says, looking down nervously. Kuroo hums questioningly. “I don’t… hate you… like I did in high school. You never deserved that.” Kuroo smirks. “So what you’re saying is…” Suguru huffs, rolling his eyes, but the smile on his face betrays him. “I’m  _ sorry, _ Tetsu-chan.”

Kuroo smirks, stretching his arms above his head. When he puts them down, one finds its way around Suguru’s shoulders, which grounds him in a way that Kuroo could probably never know. “I’m sorry, too, then. I know it was your own way of playing, and it wasn’t just you, anyway.”

“Yeah; Yoshiya, Kouji, and Isumi are just  _ bitches, _ aren’t they?”

Kuroo laughs, shaking his head. “Either way, I’m sorry for… being rude to you, I guess.” He looks away. “I always… kinda respected you.”

“Me, too,” Suguru whispers. “You were just so  _ honest  _ -” “Why thank y-” “It was  _ disgustingly _ admirable.” Kuroo blinks a couple times. “So, what I’m hearing is a little bit of jealousy -” “Shove it up your ass.” “- because I’m such a generous, good person,” the past Nekoma captain continues as if he hadn’t been interrupted. 

Suguru simply sighs in response, leaning his head on Kuroo’s shoulder. “I really need to apologize to Kaname,” he says. “Once that idiot Futakuchi figures out how to get to Tokyo, I’m done for.” Kuroo leans his own head on top of Suguru’s. “You two are more similar than you realize, from what Teru told me.”

Suguru grimaces. “Please don’t say that, you’re activating my fight or flight response.”

“I don’t think Kaname told them, though, so your precious face is safe for now,” Kuroo says after a second of silence. “How can you be so sure? If Futakuchi comes through that door right now like the goddamn Terminator, I’m gonna laugh then use you as a human shield,” Suguru deadpans. Kuroo chuckles. “While that is a hilarious image,” he starts, “he probably told them the same thing he told me. That he was worried about you.” Suguru feels his cheeks heat up because goddammit he does not deserve the angel that is Moniwa Kaname in his life.

“Now, I gotta be gettin’ back home,” Kuroo says. “Bo wants to have a Jaws movie marathon then probably not fall asleep because he’s scared a giant shark is under his bed.” Suguru laughs. “I’ve never heard of a more Bokuto thing in my life. Are Akaashi-kun and Kenma gonna be there?” Kuroo shakes his head, a barely-there pout on his face. “They can’t, they both have, like,  _ school  _ or some shit. I don’t understand it,” he replies. “Damn kids,” Suguru comments. 

“Kaname should be back soon, okay?” Kuroo says. “I can stay if you want me t-”

“Go to your boyfriend. I can take care of myself,” Suguru says with a small smile. Kuroo studies his face for a second, then smiles back. “Alright. Call me if you need anything, okay?” Suguru nods. As Kuroo stands and walks to the door, Suguru takes a deep breath and follows him. 

“Tetsurou,” he says, putting a hand on his shoulder. Kuroo turns around, a gentle smile on his face. “Thank you,” Suguru says. “You deserve to know why -”

“You don’t have to.” Kuroo puts up his hand to stop him. “I’ve already forgiven you. I don’t blame you. Let’s just put it behind us, okay?” Suguru bites his lip, nodding. “Yeah, we can - yeah.” His arms are wrapping tightly around Kuroo before he can stop them. As Kuroo reciprocates the hug, Suguru feels tears build up at the back of his eyes again. They weren’t from stress or worry anymore, so he didn’t know why…

“Thank you,” Suguru repeats. He sinks into Kuroo’s embrace despite himself. “Anytime, Suguru,” Kuroo says, then presses a light kiss to the top of his head. “I’ll see you soon, okay?” Suguru nods into his chest. “Yeah.”

Kuroo opens the door, giving a small wave which Suguru returns. Once the door closes, he sighs. He turns to face the now empty apartment. 

“Alright, Suguru,” he says to himself, “time to make the best apology ever.”

^^^

It’s not until late that Kaname opens the door to the apartment. As Suguru was cursed with being a light sleeper, he jumps up from the couch, rubbing the sleepiness out of his eyes and yawning a bit. Kaname apparently hears him as he calls Suguru’s name. 

“Suguru, are you still up?” Suguru nods with another yawn. “Yeah, I was waiting for you to come back.”

“You’ve been so tired lately, you should’ve just gone to sleep! Oh my god, I’m so sorry I kept you waiting,” Kaname says, worrying the plastic bag between his hands. “Don’t worry about it,” Suguru says, still blinking into consciousness. “What’s in the bag?” “Oh, those are my leftovers and I also picked up some papico and strawberry mochi for you, I was gonna put it in the freezer and wait until you found them to surprise you -”

“Holy shit, you’re way too nice,” Suguru interrupts, finally snapping fully into reality. “I’m the one who should be apologizing and you already have done that more than I have. What planet are you from?” Kaname blinks at him a couple times, tilting his head to the side in confusion. "Wh-What?"

"I'm so sorry," Suguru says, standing up. "You never deserved that, you were just trying to help me. I'll admit, I'm not the nicest person. I  _ know  _ that. But I never meant to snap like that at you. You've been so nice to me since the moment you met me. I know I need to take my meds and I haven’t been -"

"Suguru," Kaname cuts him off, a soft smile on his face. "I really don't mind. You think no one on Dateko snapped at me a couple times when I was captain?" Suguru shrugs a little, not knowing how else to respond to that. "I know you're stressed. I don't take it personally. And I’ll help remind you to take your meds everyday, if that’ll make it easier." 

Suguru nods. "Oh. Um. Thank you."

"Was Tetsurou nice about it?" Kaname asks, setting the bag of food down on the kitchen counter. Suguru smiles to himself. "Yeah. He helped a lot, actually."

"I had a feeling he would," Kaname says. "I thought his brutal honesty would do the trick." 

"I got takeout, if you want some," Suguru says quickly, gesturing to the couch. "And, um, I made that tea you like. If you wanted to, like, chill for a little…" Kaname smiles. "Yeah. Sounds great."

They watch rom-coms until it's late into the night and they fall asleep. In the morning, Kaname wakes Suguru up with the slap of a rolled-up newspaper on his head and an innocent smile, showing him the email from his professor that says his early class is canceled for the day. Suguru smiles back and pulls Kaname back down onto the couch so they can sleep for a little longer. 

Later, they have a group call with the other past captains. Suguru and Kuroo exchange banter, but it's not malicious like before. There's a proud smile on Bokuto's face throughout their conversation, mostly directed at his boyfriend. Suguru's flirting with Ushijima is at an all-time high, but he doesn't seem to mind, even flirting back sarcastically. 

It's easy, and Suguru feels the stress melt off of him as Oikawa explains why he needs to go to America in September so he can get an alien from Area 51. It's normal, as Daichi lets out a heavy sigh and puts his head in his hands. His boyfriend's giggle can be heard through his speakers. Before they go to sleep that night, Suguru wraps Kaname in a tight hug. He knows he can be mean, he can be selfish, he can be hurtful. He knows he's not okay all the time. But he also knows that he has people who will be there for him. 

He knows he has people who he can  _ trust, _ like Kaname who won’t say anything except a gentle reminder to take his medication when he sees that Suguru is flipping the light switch on and off repeatedly. Like Tetsurou who calls him every so often to make sure he’s okay. Like Kouji and Isumi who will go out with him at least once a month because they know that he feels more secure when he gets his nails done. He doesn’t need to fake anything around them.

He finds that being genuine is much less exhausting.

**Author's Note:**

> hmu to meme around on tumblr @ futamataxtakeharu <3


End file.
